Yep, Testicle Festival. In the Ozarks, they have a “festival” where a bunch of people get together and eat fried turkey balls. Literally. No joke to see here… just… hicks and their nutty ways.

This has to be some sort of failure of evolution, right? Somewhere in our chimp brains there’s a need to humiliate our enemies with such abject horror that they fear that we are evil incarnate…

But now that technological warfare has sufficiently taken the hand-to-hand bloodlust out of conflict, we now have to inflict this horror on turkeys, killing them and discarding all of their meat whilst feasting only on their reproductive organs, even throwing a humorously alliterative day of celebration for ‘All-You-Can-Eat Gonads Day’…?

I’m overthinking this, aren’t I… I guess I’ll just watch Deliverance and be happy that those hillbillies seem to be just as happy molesting Turkeys.

…for now…

I always new there was something different about those DC characters…

…but I have to say… I did not guess that “different” meant that Batman, amongst his other gadgets, had a fully formed female reproductive system.

Superman looks so blissfully happy, I just can’t bring myself to tell him that theres a 130% chance that the baby is Robin’s…

Of all the things to love about this photograph… I think the guitars are my favorite touch.

Sure, yeah, an argument could be made that the best part is that he seems to be holding his johnson at gunpoint… (who pays that ransom, exactly?)

….but I keep coming back to the GUITARS!

Somehow he knew that guns and a caveman mullet might not get him laid, but rock and roll never fails!

Keep spreading those thighs, Mongor… love is just around the corner.

Hey, just because herpes is incurable doesn’t negate the fact that cookie cakes are freakin’ delicious, right?

So… what do you say, baby? One more hump for the road…?

WHAT, its not like I can give you herpes TWICE, for chrissakes!

Another in a long line of confusing fashion choices available to the modern woman…

…a modern woman who…wants to accentuate her front-butt with a monochromatic, vagina-mouthed Gremlin…?

Besides people who’ve been waiting for a vertical vagina option, who will this really appeal to?

Oh, sorry Mr. I’ve-always-wanted-to-get-blown-by-Mowgli… I didn’t see you in the back there.

As a hardcore gamer, I can safely that hardcore gamers are not the most…ah, shall we say… socially adept group when it comes to the ladies…

…so its with great love that I say:

“IF YOU WITNESS A WOMAN WEARING THIS THOROUGHLY INADVISABLE SHIRT, DO NOT – I REPEAT – DO NOT PLAY THIS HIGHLY ENTICING GAME IF YOU ARE NOT EXPLICITLY INVITED TO DO SO – IGNORE MY ADVICE AND YOUR COINPURSE IS IN GRAVE DANGER!”

Was this some sort of experiment to see how many lawsuits you could cram into one piece of shit-ass candy? …Was this a social experiment sponsored by Ipecac?

In any event, the only reason I would ever crave this horrifying piece of caffeinated pork nonsense is if I were retardedly drunk… and when I’m retardedly drunk, the LAST thing I need is to stay awake all night humping street signs and spewing geysers of pork-flavored bile into the night.

Bacone Maple Lollipops with Tylenol PM…. now that I might sign up for.

I mean… you’ve got a zombie shambling towards you, and all thats available is a pink chainsaw with kitties on it…? There goes your post-apocalyptic street cred right there…

On the positive side, at least the guy from Monty Python’s ‘The Lumberjack Song’ will finally have a tool that makes his heart sing…

Wait, what? The panels are numbered one through FIVE! I don’t know about you, but when if I’ve got more than brown and yellow available to me when I’m on the crapper, I’ve got my Proctology/Urology Team on SPEED DIAL, you hear me?

Oh, at the bottom it says that one through five are all ‘brown’. Gotcha. Cute.

Cool, well, then, could you close the door? The Sistine Crap-pel won’t paint itself!